10.05.2011

*6 months*

{it's been 6 months since b and i first laid eyes on our son, Oliver Yu-hyeon. i still remember the call we got on April 4th and i still get tears when i see his sweet sleeping referral picture. he looks like such an angel in this picture. i remember b and i would just stare at him and wonder what he looked like with his eyes open. gushing over his long lashes and wispy hair. thinking of how wonderful it would be to hold him, kiss that precious nose of his and rock him to sleep.} 
{then we got an updated picture a month later....he was "awake". it was like seeing him for the first time all over again. he was older looking but still that sweet boy we fell in love with a month prior. we talked about his room and what we wanted to do to it. we finally started to buy items for...our son. something we were so proud to say...so excited to tell everyone that we had a son. we even told the starbucks drive thru people. they quickly learned his name and asked each time we saw them for updates. it was a fun month. finally being able to think about our family and a son that would come home to us. being able to start on his room was like a dream come true. i was in decorating heaven.}
{a month later, everything changed. the EP mess started and we just had to wait to find out what was going to happen. we were told we would know in july if we were submitted for an EP...july came and went. we received no new news...only that we still needed to wait. life seemed to stand still. the excitement of our son coming home went away and worry set in. we stopped working on his room in july. we didn't want to continue until we knew Oliver was coming home. then in august we were told that there were only 4 spots left and we had a small chance of being one of them. that's when the sadness stepped in. our hearts sank. we felt like we had been hit by a mac truck. after 21 months of waiting to see our child's picture, we thought for sure he would come home this year. we didn't think it was at all possible that we would have to wait almost a year later to bring him home. in september we were officially told that we would not bring him home this year. that was the worst day of the year. i think i broke a million blood vessels from crying. we had to face reality. our lives would continue as b and d and not as a family of three...at least not this year.}
{it's still hard for me to believe that we've known about our son for 6 months now. each month has been harder then the last. at the beginning of each month, i grow anxious waiting for a well baby check up or an updated picture of Oliver. something to grasp on to...something to help us feel like we are still connected to him. we've sent Oliver a care package every month since May. it's our only way of feeling like we are apart of his life. we know that some day he will be in our home and in our arms but for now this all we have.}
 {it feels like good news is rare these days. the pace at which things are moving in the adoption world seems to have grown to a crawl or as i like to say...a snail's pace. there are no answers as to why or how or when. last month when we asked our agency to give us an idea on when they think Oliver will be submitted for an EP, the only thing they said was that we would have to wait until early next year when the EPs reset. then they might have an idea as to how the system will run. that is when b and i knew that putting our house on the market was the best thing for us to do. we both felt so emotionally drained. getting a new house, one that would be bigger and better for Oliver to grow up in was what we wanted to focus on. a fresh start after almost three years of having our lives on hold. the process of selling our house has kept me busy but i still have to take each day as it comes. i'm still processing the fact that our son will be 18-20 months old by the time he comes home. it still makes my heart hurt to know that we missed his baby time. it has also taken me time to overcome the feeling that i need to do something to help get him home. there is absolutely nothing i can do but pray.} 
{i think about our son every day. i wonder what he's doing, what his voice sounds like, is he being a good boy...i daydream about him being in the car with me or giving him a good morning kiss. i don't know why this has happened but i trust that this is God's plan. he feels that b and i are strong enough to go through something so emotional and raw like this. we now know what the word "wait" means. it's not easy, it's harder then anything we've ever gone through but we will do this all for our son. we will continue to live each day and try to enjoy the small things that life brings us as we wait for four simple but amazingly wonderful words.......
"Oliver is coming home."}  
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