no i go just school

doesn't he look 16? ugh!
today, we toured a preschool for Oliver to go to in the fall. 

crazy huh?

i am going to be honest, i have mixed emotions about this. 

my little guy is so ready for school. he really is. 
i know he's ready and has been for months. he's interested in everything..asking tons of questions, always wondering what the name of an object is. other people can see he's ready and have told me they think he will do great in school. 

he'll be THREE in August and i feel like he already acts likes he's three. 

 he talks about school and the teachers and was so excited to go see a school today. 
he did a little happy dance and said "YAY!!" when i told him this morning. 

i think it will be good for him, i think he will really enjoy it. 
he loves playing with other kids and loves learning new things. 
he's become really independent in the last couple months and i know going to school will 
help his independence. 

he's ready.

am i ready?
 um...yes and no. 
i know this is the best thing i can do for him. 
i don't want to hold him back on my account.

i also know it will be good for me as well because i can devote three half days to design. 
which has been hard for me to get back into with my current schedule. 
it WILL make it easier for me to get things done around the house and also free up my nights for time with b. 

i do however feel that our time together has been rushed. 
this past year has really flown by.
Oliver came home at 20 months walking, talking, running...pretty much a little boy. 
it took us a long time to bond and an even longer time for him to show me affection. 

 in all honesty, even though i've been home with him for a year, i still feel like i have lost a lot of precious time with him. it's hard to explain but those first 6 months we were feeling each other out...trying to make the best of each day. trying to make progress on our bond. it took him many months to really trust me, to look for me when we weren't together or to call out my name when he was in another room and needed me. 
 i was a stranger in his life for so long and i finally feel after all this time, 
that we are mother and son.  

as we were waiting for the tour to start, he got afraid and held me really really tight. he nuzzled his head into my chest and said "mommy hold you?"
my heart swelled. 
 i whispered back, "i'm holding you really tight, love."

by the end of the tour, he didn't want to hold my hand. 

he's ready...even if i'm not. 
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